Saturday, November 27, 2004

Mosquito ergo sum

"Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?" - Macbeth, circa 1040
"Hah! Gotcha! Die, lousy bloodsuckers! Bwahahahaha (evil laugh)" - Me, Nov 2004
I have beaten my own record, and it feels so good. Last night, I killed five mosquitoes with one snatch. That's just closing one hand into a fist, and five little buggers dead or fatally wounded. My earlier record was four.

I hate mosquitoes. I simply cannot stand them, and my conscience does not prick me when I kill them. Nothing barbaric, just swatting them (if the term is applicable to mosquitoes) if they are anywhere near me. I have fond memories of one night less than a year ago when I killed no less than 150 mosquitoes in the space of about 25 minutes. Pretty darn good, even if I do say so myself.

I expect some of you are horror stricken at my bloodthirstiness (I'm pretty sure this word doesn't exist, but what the heck). But wouldn't you want to get rid of /maim / kill me if I was to do the following:
a) Buzz incessantly in your ears
b) Make your skin crawl by creeping along your hands and legs
c) Occasionally enter your nasal canal
d) Suck your blood. In fact, gorge myself fat on your life-blood.

If it was Dracula, one would chop off his head and all that jazz. The simplicity and beauty of mosquito killing is that it does not require trips to Transylvania, is cheap in terms of equipment (no stake, no garlic) and is very competitive (there are plenty of mosquitoes to go around). It also spreads social and communal harmony. It isn't uncommon to see a saas and a bahu in a tag-team mosquito death match. Or hindus and muslims swatting away together. So slap away merrily and make the world a better place.

To fight the mosquitoes
Forget the mats and cream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Squish them to death.

Ok, the rhyme scheme's kinda screwed but you get the point. I'll try again

To fight the mosquitoes
Forget the mats and creams
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Squish them to death. Sweet dreams.

One more point; i find far more mosquitoes near my PC than anywhere else. Why? Is there some cool radiation funda? I would definitely appreciate an explanation...

Statistically, Finland has the largest mosquitoes in the world (doesn't that just make your day). I've heard that there is this hugely popular competition there where participants vie to see who kills the most mosquitoes. I wonder how they keep count. I would really really like to go there and participate. Represent India and all that. Show that we are no less than them in bloodsport. Mera Bharat Mahaan. All I need to make my dreams come true is a sponsor. (Hint, hint)

As Tiny Tim would have said had he been plagued by mosquitoes, Kill them. Kill them, every one!


Nandan said...

like ur idea of merrily squishing mosquitoes to death but how am i supposed to do that when i am sleeping. any ideas? and if ur looking for a team mate for the Finland mosquito squishing competition count me in.

and when ur killing all those mosquitos spare a thought for all the male mosquitos who are going to find it tougher to get the females considering ur killing 150 a night.

Suze said...

i saw mosquitoes doing it mid air last evening
have no clue why i felt the need to share that piece of information
i like the new mosquito bats. electrocute the tiny menaces!

Vinod said...

Ah, mosquito porn! The stuff my dreams are made of. Su, did you happen to record it, by any chance?

Also, in the case of flies having sex, do they have to unzip themseleves before they get down to business?

Nandan said...

vinod i think flies have to unzip themselves only if they want to become larger. they keep them zipped coz its easier for flies to transfer themselves when they are compressed

AC said...

Hey suze, how do you kno they were doing it? It might have been a blood tranfusion or something. And how do they do it mid-air? It must be incredibly difficult to concentrate on the job at hand if they have to keep flapping their wings...

Sarath Srinivasan said...

If you open up a fly there's nothing inside. So my guess is flies dont unzip.

Vinod said...

Ac, what do you mean by the job 'at hand'? Can't you read properly, there were two mosquitos. There was no need of the hand.

Vinod said...

And Nandan, I think you've just managed to prove what people have been saying about sex for years... Size does matter.

Suze said...

as the only girl here, i'd like to agree with vinod
size DOES matter
except it's usually the size of your brain, wallet etc..
(sorry boys.. )

Vinod said...

Size of brains? wallet?


And btw, AC, great post da!

Nandan said...

size of brains eh? now i know why salman khan has katrina kaif

Sundeep said...

a rather late comment but i still remember AC in all his bloodthirstiness at sathyamurthi school where many of us found food for thought(IIT classes) and he found lots of mosquitoes for sport as well.

wbrant said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow macbeth site/blog. It pretty much covers tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow macbeth related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

Anonymous said...

birdsmetal bird feeder

Anonymous said...

No money - no funny :)