Monday, March 30, 2009

The previously unimagined perils of being male, unattached and in one's mid-twenties

I have recently realised a certain truth about society. Or, at least, the immediate society that I come into contact with and interact with daily. My profile (the three attributes mentioned in the title, in combination) works against me. And here are just three reasons why.

1. People suspect you of being a security threat
In every mall or store I go to, the security guards spend a good extra 5-10 seconds on scanning and checking my car and body. Either they're all gay and think I'm hot, or they have some kind of subconcious profiling in mind. And this happens every time. The happy families, hand-in-hand couples and unattached ladies who are before me in these lines are given a cursory check, while I'm looked askance at and patted down thoroughly.

And, when I protest ("Hey, you let that person through!", "Is this really necessary?", "OK, now that's just an invasion of privacy") I'm met with icy no-nonsense securityman stares or terse denials of being treated unfairly.

These times of high distrust and low belief in the essential goodness of humankind are quite trying.

2. People assume you're a party animal
Colleagues and acquaintances frequently assume that every evening, I'm desperate to leave work early, change into funky clothes (that reveal my many tattoos) and cool hairstyle, get onto my superbike and hit a series of pubs and parties until the wee hours of morning, drinking, dancing, picking up women and expanding my social circle. And particularly so on weekends. In such a scenario, things can get a little awkward and embarassing when I admit I'm working late/weekends or don't really have any party plans but merely intend to head home, cook a simple dinner, read a nice book and turn in by eleven.

I'm not averse to parties, of course. Not in the least. I enjoy a rocking do as much as the next guy. And I do head out for a night of fun every so often. But my lifestyle is nowhere near as happening as people believe it is or wish it to be.

3. Parents are scared to let their daughters near you
This is another thing that happens when I out anywhere... as I pass by, parents instinctively grip their daughters' hands more tightly, or shift sides so they they are between me and their wards. I don't know if it's just me, or if all parents are hyper paranoid. I sincerely hope it's just the latter. Because I really don't want to go through life giving out these kind of 'I-am-going-to-molest-your-daughter-Guahahahahaha-I'm-a-baaaad-man!' vibes. Particularly since a lot of the prettier girls are accompanied by 6'6" wrestler type dudes whose biceps are thicker than my neck.

And this kind of thing has happened so many times, I'm scared to even look at the women around me. Not that I'm really looking, of course. But when some pretty young thing comes across your line of sight - quite by accident, or by the laws of linear motion - you can't help but notice. I mean, us blogger/quizzer types are reasonably observant people, who take a
healthy interest in the world around us. Especially if that world itself is quite healthy and... er... let's not go there.

Bottom line (must...avoid...pun...): I find myself in a position where I studiously avert my eyes when a lady with a chaperone walks into my field of vision. It's weird and disturbing and... well, unnatural. Ladies, trust me. I know I look creepy but I'm a more or less ok sort of guy. Really.

So there you go. Three reasons why being me isn't so hot at this point in my life. I'd give you more situations, but it's high time I got back to work. My models await me.


maxdavinci said...

get a girl silly!

or become a refridgerator like looking muscle machine..

since both seem improbable, get back to wrk!

Nandini Vishwanath said...

ROTFL @ 2. :D

And you don't have even an occasional night of fun. I know.

Deepti Ramadoss said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Hehehehehehe.Lol.I cant stop laughing! And i know you only through your blog! (Imagining your friends reading this and Lol again)!

Because I really don't want to go through life giving out these kind of 'I-am-going-to-molest-your-daughter-Guahahahahaha-
I'm-a-baaaad-man!' vibes (I read that in a Gulshan Grover voice)

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T.R.J.Nair said...

such humbility.

I have it on good authority that you're quite eligible. And that parental shiftiness is born of a desire to evaluate, and filter as it were.

(the thought of you being Shanghai-ed into matrimonial bliss is very book-worthy!)

So, have no fear! Unleash thy...umm...yeah.

Nissim said...

Well done!!
The perils of being unattached, in your mid-twenties and in a job that makes you work round the clock in a different place every week (is what you should have written :P).
That way you would atleast have an excuse.
P.S: if you do build your body tell me how.

meera said...

hey...dunno if you remember though...but this is laxmi from svce and considering as you're in'd be nice to catch up...

Patrali said...

I'm-a-baaaad-man!'???? ROTFL...can't imagine u saying that :D of ur most hilarious posts :)

AC said...

@Ag: Yeah, it was a Gulshan Grover voice in my mind as I wrote that :)

@Max, Nissim: Bodybuilding is definitely underway. Though I doubt it will have any impact, socially speaking!

@Nair: We're all eligible. Even guys like you and me :) The problem, though, is that even a death-row convict would, from some angles and to some people, seem eligible!

AC said...

I see a few readers returning after a long time... welcome back :)