Saturday, August 04, 2007

The Noodle Bar Bar

That's right. Not just Noodle Bar. Noodle Bar Bar. Which, for those of my readers who don't understand Hindi, translates to 'Noodle repeatedly.'

Momofuku Ando's grave ought to be a revered pligrimage spot. The Japanese voted instant noodles their greatest contribution to the world. Not Nintendo. Not Godzilla. Not cheap fuel efficient cars. Not robots that compose symphonies and/or play football and/or wash your underwear and/or transform into cheap fuel efficient cars. The humble instant noodle. They sure have their priorities right.

I've been having a lot of noodles of the last few weeks. Noodles of all manner and sort of brands and varieties. Maida noodles, wheat noodles, rice noodles. Top Ramen, Nestle Maggi, Unidentified Local Brand With Cheap Red Plastic Cover, Unidentified Local Brand With Cheap Blue Plastic Cover.

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Before we proceed (this is, of course, under the monstrous assumption that you want to proceed), here's a tip: Noodles go best with lightly toasted brown bread and chilled apple juice. Having a pretty young thing to give you company is pretty cool as well.

Back to the core of the post.
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It's fun. Once one admits to oneself that 20% of one's weekly dietary needs are expected to be met by noodles, one begins to experiment. There's only so much one can have of plain noodles. So, on the basis of extensive research and deep personal experience, here are the top 6 noodle based dishes I have concocted in the recent past, with detailed instructions on how to prepare them.

Chicken Mixed Veg Noodle Soup, aka One For The Soul:
Boil water. Add Mixed Veg soup (I find Knorr's slightly better than Maggi's). As soup becomes reasonably soupy, add a little more water. Add Noodles. Add chicken tastemaker (It's always part of the noodles pack. Except in the case of Unidentified Local Brand With Cheap Red Plastic Cover. @#$#$.). Stir until the consistency of the dish looks OK, or you can't bear the hunger any longer. Pour out into a bowl, and garnish with anything you like (I prefer Kissan mixed fruit jam. Really.) Voila!

Masala Tomato Noodle Stew, aka Pretentiousness Personified:
Almost the same. Except that you add Tomato soup and the standard veg masala tastemaker. Stir till it looks edible. Suggested garnishing: Oregano, carefully preserved from the previous night's Dominoes order. And, of course, jam. Lipsmacking.

Multicereal Noodle Extravaganza, aka Cereal Killer:
Ideal when cooking for a large number of people. Boil water. Add a piece/slab of standard maida-based Maggi noodles. Add a slab of Maggi Rice Noodles. Add a slab of Maggi Wheat Noodles. Add all the respective tastemakers. Stir well to ensure optimm mixing of the ingredients. Pour into a bowl, and garnish with that tangy sauce that's been lying in the fridge for months but doesn't belong to anyone in the house.

High Protein Egg Noodles, aka The Yolk's On You:
Boil water yada yada. End product, noodles. Run downstairs and buy egg bhurji (scrambled eggs) from the potti kadai outside the gate. Bring back said bhurji. Mix with noodles. Eat. Don't bother waiting to garnish it, else the bhurji will become cold and tasteless.

Rice Noodle Meal, aka Hindi-Chini Bhai Bhai
A brilliant collaboration with our friends from across the border, China. (Yes, we DO have a border with countries other than Pakistan.) Shove MTR's Veg Pulao or Masala Rice into a microwave for 2 minutes. While that's on, boil water and add Maggi Chinese Flavour Thingy. Pour the rice into a large bowl. Pour the noodles into the same bowl. Mix the two with a vengeance and commitment that is almost, but not exactly, completely unlike the passion with which the Shiv Sena promotes Valentines' Day. Garnish with soy sauce and eat with chopsticks.

McNoodles, aka The Noodle That Almost Lived But Didn't Quite And Hence Won't Have a Multibillion Dollar Seven Book Series Based On It:
Boil water. Add the slab of noodles. Leave it to boil. Turn on the TV and spend 25 minutes laughing your rear end off at Everybody Loves Raymond. Return to the kitchen to find the dish burned. Throw it away and order a burger from McDonalds. Garnish with fries and coke.

9 comments:

NIRMAL said...

I think u are becoming self sufficient these days with cooking.
Dont marry :)

btw when did u become a non veggie?

Arvind try to make some Dosa,Idly, Pongal and Vada. You should enjoy cooking them.

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest post you've put up in a while... it's hilarious! :)

Vivek

DiVa said...

Oh one more recipe: Maggi Bonda. Cook maggi, make it really soft, Squish it with your hands to make a paste, Make small balls out of them and fry them .Garnish with chat masala. Tastes awesome when drowned in ketchup. Tastes even better with accompanied with masala chai on a rainy day!

praveen said...

Man....i think you are almost ready for the marriage....hope your counterpart will not have more work in her kitchen....

Vikram said...

Good post mate...How goes life at Bain?

shrik said...

Mmmm...pretty young things...

AC said...

@Nirmal: I would try them, if they came in a readymade format :) But yeah, that is definitely on the agenda in the near future...

@Vivek: Thank you :)

AC said...

@Diva: Thanks! That's definitely something I'm going to try soon...

@Praveen: Naah, I'm faaaaar from it :)

AC said...

@Vikram: Thanks man :) Work is good... very interesting, very challenging, and lots of fun!

@ Shrik: Erm... what are you doing in that pic? Anything to do with pretty young things? :)