Friday, August 10, 2007

Memories

Memories slay me. Completely, totally. And try as I might, I can't block them or reconcile myself to the fact that they are just that, memories. I find myself succumbing ever so often to those memories. Of times when I was more secure, when life was less complicated and one had people who cared and who one cared about nearby, when I was in a better place literally and figuratively. We all move on, adapt, live life as we have to, but we always carry along memories of what was, what could have been, what one wishes could have been... and try to come to terms with the fact that the past, beautiful as it was, will never be back. For a while we let our minds drift back to those times, those faces. We allow ourselves to clutch at straws, consider improbable what-if scenarios, hope against hope. And then, once we calm down and learn to accept reality, we build mental barriers to carefully file away what was strictly in the past, and concentrate on the present and the future...

I thought I had accepted reality. I thought my defences were in place. But they are no match for the flood of memory. Closure, in so far as I had achieved it, has been shattered in an unsettlingly easy manner.

People, places, emotions, experiences. Some of them, I took for granted and never accorded the special status in my mind and heart they deserved. Others, I assumed naively would either be with me throughout my life, or could be dealt with easily when they ceased to be a part of my life. News flash, rude shock, slap in the face. All this while, I thought I was a guy of reasonable emotional stability, only to be reduced to a quivering mass of nothingness by a few mere words, a few images, a few short flashes of buried memories. A phone call out of the blue, a short meeting, an 'Online' status on GTalk, a jpg file dug up from the distant past, a sudden and unexpected Instant Message...

Some things, one thinks will be easy to let go of. Maybe. Over time, one expects they become a little manageable. But one brief glimpse is all it takes for the carefully built walls around a memory to collapse, leaving one weak and vulnerable and open an attack of nostalgia, love, remorse, hatred and all the surprisingly strong emotions one had thought were dead or buried for good.

All those cliches about the past are crap.

"Forgive and forget"? Crap.
"The past is gone, ne'er to return"? Crap.
"Out of sight, out of mind"? Crap.
"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? Crap.

14 comments:

Bhargs said...

Ah, can I relate to this or what ! :)

I guess we live in a state of denial, atleast most of the times...Cliches only help us in doing that :P

Cognitive dissonance - we all go through this perhaps :)

Space Boy said...

*clears throat*
And that day, I will rue the moment I allowed myself to love. But, as the popular verse goes, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
http://arvindc.blogspot.com/2007/06/that-funny-little-thing-called-love.html

NIRMAL said...

Arvind,
very true at times past memories spoil the present.I happened to take up a small course on art of living,one thing i want to share here

they say WE as in our mind always vacillates between past disappointments and future fears,so the more u focus on the present moment you will be more productive..thats what they say..

its true to a great extent.
may be everytime u get stuck with some recursive mind pattern may be try some mild yoga or meditation
i am sure you will feel the difference.

But u must try certain things with an open mind.yoga and meditation are one among them coz they say close ur eyes and think abt the present,you will be wondering this is wat i do in sleep or most of times but may be try it with a open mind it might work out wonders :)

one more benefits of mediation is it makes your emotionally stronger.

"Never trust the emotions of the past"
its true at times

AC said...

@Bhargs: Yeah, I totally agree... denial provides that intoxicatingly comfortable emotional buffer...

@Space Boy: I know, I know :) I was very conscious of the fact that I was going against what I had written in my earlier post! I guess it all depends on one's frame of mind at a particular point of time...

AC said...

@Nirmal: I think we (or at least I)manage to achieve that most of the time... being mentally focussed on the present or the near future.

It's only when something happens to rock the emotional boat that such thoughts and memories come flooding back.

There's absolutely nothing productive to be achieved from such thoughts, but one can't avoid them at times.

Yoga/meditation is something I'm open to trying sometime in the future... will see if I can manage to make some time for it...

Space Boy said...

That comment wasn't like "gotcha!", btw. I totally understand that thing. And you handle it very well.
Most times, I stick to what I say first even if I don't quite agree with it anymore.

Anonymous said...

Don't let the memories pull you down ever. Remember the good times, feel happy about them and don't fret over what could have been. Don't wish for a closure....just try and carve a new path in the relationship. Maybe the person and the relationship are still there, despite the changes you perceive! Sounds like a tall order? Unattainable? Crap? Or maybe one of those things that "should not" be done???

Jenn of the Jungle said...

There's a reason for the old saying," Life's a B*tch.". Ya know. But it has it's good points.

Anonymous said...

brilliant!!
i can so relate to your mental state when u were writing this!

Anonymous said...

"... in silent unspeakable memories." Yaadein yaad aathi hein

AC said...

Thanks, space boy :) And no, I didn't take it as a 'gotcha!' :)

@ Anonymous 1: I would agree... but what should and should not happen or be done is something I have frequently found myself at loggerheads with my world about...

I still feel closure is good, though.

AC said...

@ Jenn: ACP :)

AC said...

@ Anonymous 2: That's good to know :) Glad you could relate to the post!

Anonymous said...

hey ac,

Check this link...

http://gomathy.blogspot.com/2008/01/memories.html

your stuff's been plagiarised dude...!!!